Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
