just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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