yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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