I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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