I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
