# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
