3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
