Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
