wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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