So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
