I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize