Whod you bang
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
