i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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