I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
