my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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