I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
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I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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