My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
