I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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