I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i believe in u and ur pee
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
