don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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