I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
