My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im holly from the hills drunk
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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