Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Your cock deserves a montage
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
