He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
