The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
