I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
