Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
