i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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