I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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