Already got asked if we're dating
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
