i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
