I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My cat gives me a boner
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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