I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
