my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
