I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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