i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
