i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
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Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
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You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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