I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
be right there i have to get my cape
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
