In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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