I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was not drunk enough for that final.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
