I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
