i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
