I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
