There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
