Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
