I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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