Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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