My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
