I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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