How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
