Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
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I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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