K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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