i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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