I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
