Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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